you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
