I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize