No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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