Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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