would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
