So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
