Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
