If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Two words: nipple clamps
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