If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
