Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
