I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
