i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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