Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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