I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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