u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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