Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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