Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
