Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
