god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
