Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Randomize
