as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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