who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
