dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Randomize
