can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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