just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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