and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
