I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
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