the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Sorry about my life...
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
