All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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