I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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