apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Randomize
