I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
