Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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