So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
