I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize