life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
