well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
