So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
