I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
