at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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