Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
