rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
We are all done wearing pants today
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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