Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
