Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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