You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize