I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
