Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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