false alarm. still invincible.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
