I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
