I bet he comes in French.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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