And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Alive.
So much puke
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
how do you play pong handcuffed?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
