Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
