I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
