She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
