Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Can you bring me the toilet please
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
