Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
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