according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
