On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
