Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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