you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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