If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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