just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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