Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
