The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
